Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dear Big Brother... You're a real idiot...

Dear Big Brother,
     Sometimes I really really really hate you! Just when I think you're getting better! Just when I think that you'll be sober, that I won't have to worry so much about you, that I'll only cry for the normal little sister reasons... like a stupid argument, or something, YOU MESS IT UP!
     Why? Why is it so hard? Why do you drink, or smoke, or do what ever other shit you do? WHY!? Why do you go to your old friends and drink, and let your friend drive you around drunk? WHY? Did you know this is the 3rd time I've cried, with our puppy by my side, while I wait for Mom and Dad to pick you up at the police station? Did you know that?
     I love you so much... There are times when I look at you and think that I am so lucky. Because I think that you are the best big brother I could ever ask for. But then you do something stupid, and hurtful, like this. I thought you were getting better! I thought I didn't have to cry about you anymore!
    I use to think that it was impossible to hate someone you love... but I've realized now... hate and love aren't always contrasting emotions. Cause right now I really really love you... but I also really really hate you. And maybe the hate will fade in a moment, or maybe it will be a day or a week or a month, because where there is hate and love, love will always win.
     But there will always be that tiny part of me that's screaming WHY? There will always be that tiny part of me that wishes you were different, that tiny part of me that wants to hate you.
     I love you Big Brother... really I do... But every time you do something like this, my heart breaks a little bit more... Will you ever be able to just stay sober? Stay out of jail? Be able to go to college, and make me proud so I can brag to my friends again, like I use to when I was little? Or will I have to spend the rest of my life loving you so much, while at the same time feel like I'm always going to be the older one, who has to keep you out of trouble, and defend your actions to my friends, because I want them to understand why I love you so much... even though there are times I wonder that too...
Your Little Sister

No comments:

Post a Comment