Saturday, October 16, 2010

Dear Big Brother... What exactly is 'happy'?

Dear Big Brother,
     Remember that feeling of being 5 years old, and you did something, maybe you learned to read, or drew a good picture or finally remembered how to spell Mississippi, or maybe even something else, completely trivial. But what ever it was, a feeling of pure and unadulterated joy would work its way through your body, and a huge smile would work its way across your face, and you'd run to Mom and Dad and show them what ever you'd finally figured out, and no matter how trivial it was, they'd make you feel like you'd just won the Nobel Prize.
     I still remember that feeling, like you're on top of the world, and nothing will ever bring you down. The problem is all good things come to an end... No happy feeling can last forever, and honestly? It seems to me that most happy feelings don't last longer than a few hours at most. If your lucky when your few moments of happiness are up, something else will happen to make your insides light up all over again.
     I think that happiness is a lot like a butterfly. Sometimes it's there, so close you can almost touch it, but then you move a little too suddenly, reach out a little to quickly, and you startle it away, and mere seconds before you're about to manage to finally have it within your grasp, it flutters away. And you can't do anything about it. And life moves on, but without your butterfly, and then, all of a sudden, it will reappear, and land on your shoulder one day when you're holding too still, and you'll remember how to smile, and laugh, and for a time you'll be happy, until the butterfly finds another place, warmer, with prettier flowers.
     Sometimes I think that you're my butterfly. Not that my happiness depends entirely on you, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me. You've probably long forgotten this, or maybe you haven't, but have simply never thought of how it had affected me, because I know for a fact that it never occurred to Mom and Dad that maybe I was scared too, and maybe I was upset, and maybe they should've tried to remember their second child. But I've never forgotten that first time you had to go to the hospital. And because I was only 11 at the time, I wasn't allowed to visit, so Mom and Dad packed me off to Grandma's and Grandpa's for that week and a half, and I don't think I'd ever felt so alone. I remember this, not only because of the incredibly fear, the loneliness I'd felt, but because it was the first time I'd thought of you as my butterfly. Because the past 3 years, I'd lost my big brother, and that November I'd thought I'd finally gotten him back. But I moved, just a little too fast, so you had to fly away. You had to fly away from me, and it happened again, and again, and again...
     I hope that you'll stop flying away from me soon...
Your Little Sister

Friday, October 8, 2010

Dear Big Brother... You settled in?

Dear Big Brother,
     How's rehab going? I guess you've only just arrived, maybe a few minutes ago, maybe an hour ago, who knows... Well I guess you do, and Dad does.
     This won't be a long letter, sorry, but not much has happened. I just had to make sure you know, that people care about you. A lot. Like me, and Mom, and Dad, and Grandma, and Grandpa, and Gramma, and Doug, and all of our cousins and your friends.
     Two of your friends just stopped by. I answered the door and they gave me a bag with some stuff I guess you'd left with them or something. They came back a few minutes later. They were really really worried about you. I hope you don't mind I told them you weren't here any more. I hope you don't mind that they know you're in rehab now. If it helps, they didn't think any less of you. They seemed kind of proud... They told me to tell you to 'do your thing' or something like that. So... good luck... I love you.
Lots of Love,
Your Little Sister

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dear Big Brother... I miss you.

Dear Big Brother,
     Today, Mom and Dad told me you were going to spend a couple days in juvie. And then you're going to spend an entire month at a live-in rehab center. And when they told me, at first I didn't really feel anything. A part of me was pleased, I wouldn't have to worry about you for a month. I wouldn't have to worry about you for a month. You'd be sober for a month. And i guess it didn't really hurt that I'd just figured out you'd sold my ipod, MY IPOD, that I lent you out of the goodness of my heart. You know that really hurt? Mom and Dad warned me, told me you would, but I trusted you. I really really trusted you, and you sold my freakin ipod so you could get high. Yeah, way to make me want to miss you.
     But it just hit me, when I was doing my math homework, that I'm not going to see you for 30 freaking days! And now I can't seem to stop myself from crying. So... even though, I can't trust you, and sometimes I kind of want to rip your head off, I'm going to really really really miss you. Because I'm not going see you until November... I love you Big Brother... Good luck...
Your Little Sister <3

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dear Big Brother... You're a real idiot...

Dear Big Brother,
     Sometimes I really really really hate you! Just when I think you're getting better! Just when I think that you'll be sober, that I won't have to worry so much about you, that I'll only cry for the normal little sister reasons... like a stupid argument, or something, YOU MESS IT UP!
     Why? Why is it so hard? Why do you drink, or smoke, or do what ever other shit you do? WHY!? Why do you go to your old friends and drink, and let your friend drive you around drunk? WHY? Did you know this is the 3rd time I've cried, with our puppy by my side, while I wait for Mom and Dad to pick you up at the police station? Did you know that?
     I love you so much... There are times when I look at you and think that I am so lucky. Because I think that you are the best big brother I could ever ask for. But then you do something stupid, and hurtful, like this. I thought you were getting better! I thought I didn't have to cry about you anymore!
    I use to think that it was impossible to hate someone you love... but I've realized now... hate and love aren't always contrasting emotions. Cause right now I really really love you... but I also really really hate you. And maybe the hate will fade in a moment, or maybe it will be a day or a week or a month, because where there is hate and love, love will always win.
     But there will always be that tiny part of me that's screaming WHY? There will always be that tiny part of me that wishes you were different, that tiny part of me that wants to hate you.
     I love you Big Brother... really I do... But every time you do something like this, my heart breaks a little bit more... Will you ever be able to just stay sober? Stay out of jail? Be able to go to college, and make me proud so I can brag to my friends again, like I use to when I was little? Or will I have to spend the rest of my life loving you so much, while at the same time feel like I'm always going to be the older one, who has to keep you out of trouble, and defend your actions to my friends, because I want them to understand why I love you so much... even though there are times I wonder that too...
Your Little Sister

Friday, October 1, 2010

Dear Big Brother... Sometimes I just want to talk to you

Dear Big Brother,
     Did you know sometimes I just want to talk to you? I know that you're a "man" (and I use the term man, loosely) but I'm your little sister... you don't have to be stoic around me. Today when I told you that I love my history class... it might've been nice if you'd ask why. I could've told you lots of things...
     Like how this boy who sits in front of me doesn't seem like much at first, but the more you get to know him, the more you realize that he's pretty awesome, and actually really cute.
     And now my teacher obsesses over Madagascar--the movie and even has plushies of all the animals, and silly bands too.
     And she's absolutely hilarious. The first thing she did with us on the first day of school was make fun of her name.
     And when we didn't want to take our test yesterday she swallowed helium and talked in a high squeaky voice that kinda sounded like Chip and Dale while giving the instructions...
     ...and then told us that when she died from inhaling the helium we'd better go to her funeral and say nice  things about her cause it will have been all our fault.
     And she also decided that since we survived a month of school we should get a break and just sit back and watch Madagascar today and Monday.
     And how even though I absolutely despise the subject--I mean I REALLY don't like history (bet you didn't know that, did you?) Miss S still makes it so much fun, that I always look forward to it.
     I'll bet that if you'd actually talk to me sometimes you'd realize how much you don't know about me like the fact that I adore glee, and think that Puck is the hottest character on the show, and that I hate how everyone expects me to be smart just cause I look like I should be smart even though I'm actually kind of average... and how much I wish I knew so much more about you...
Your Little sister

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dear Big Brother... Today I met a guy who reminded me of you

Dear Big Brother,    
     History was amazing today! I'll bet you're jealous you didn't have Miss S when YOU were a sophomore! She really is the funniest teacher. But anyways, today the class was going over that quiz I missed when I was sick... so she sent me out of the room. She didn't tell me to go to the library, or to just sit outside or anything, she actually told me I could walk around for the next 10 minutes while everyone else went over their quizzes.
     I hadn't been the only one out that day... there was another guy who was, so he waited for me after she sent him out and we walked around together. I'd never spoken a word to him before that day... but he turned out to be really nice. Kind of like you, you can seem kind of intimidating... but you're really nice.
     We talked while we walked. He's pretty funny, really into art, plays basketball for fun, loves the cold, and was suspended from school for 5 days because he was caught with weed.
Sound familiar?
     I think I could like him. And I know that you, and Mom, and Dad, if by some miracle he ever liked me, would never let me even think about dating him... but that doesn't change the fact that I could. I don't, I think, yet, at least... but I could, I think. 
     Big Brother, you're funny, and nice, and so into music that it can be kind of annoying sometimes. And you're in rehab. Funny how that happens to the best people sometimes, right? So try to keep that in mind of I ever bring home a boy with a mohawk and more piercings that I have, OK? 
Lots of Love,
Your Little Sister

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dear Big Brother... Did I mention The Jerks?

Dear Big Brother,
     The Jerks are these two boys in my badminton class who I, honestly, wouldn't mind killing. I know, I know, killing is wrong and all that shite, but seriously! They are so mean! They force other people off of their courts, and are incredibly rude! They also kinda especially hate me cause I don't let them push me around. I mean, Jen doesn't either, but I guess since I'm the one who does most of the talking...
     Anyways, today they were being jerky, as usual. Before our PE teacher took role, Jen and I were just playing a game, and Jerk 1 comes over and tells us to 'get off their court'. I mean, really, WE were there first! They were the ones who were on our court! But don't worry, I didn't back down. Aren't you proud? It's because of you I didn't, you know. I knew that you'd be disappointed if I did. Unfortunately, then our PE teacher called us for role, so we had to abandon the court... and Jerk 2 got to the court before us, and before we knew it he was joined by Jerk 1 and one of their other friends (I wouldn't actually call them 'friends' though. More just that he was the only person in our class who doesn't totally despise them). So we didn't get the court.
     So we spent a bit more than half of class just standing and gossiping with P and K. But I guess our PE teacher thought the four of us were supposed to play a game... so he kicked The Jerks off their court, and gave it to us! I, for one, could NOT stop smiling. Finally they get a taste of their own medicine! If that wasn't enough the two best players in the whole class were playing each other in the court right across from ours... and our PE teacher decided The Jerks should play them! And he stood there and 'supervised' their game, which really meant yelling at them every few minutes. Best PE class ever!
     I just had to tell you... Love you Bro!
Your Little Sister